The 4:44 PM: Single-(e)ish

I joint a singles course recently … faith-based.

I don’t think I’ve every really given it real thought. Going through life without a ‘my person’. The assumption was just always there that at some point in time there would be a somebody for me and we would choose each other. Someone who would share the crap that I go through and would be interested to listen to the thoughts that go around in my head. Up until now I have spread those thoughts between my friends … ask them.

In my life I have really done stupid things for love. Really stupid. To the point that I laugh out loud for my levels of desperate. (insert facepalm vibes) I can’t even think of examples – I think I laughed them out of my head and forgiven them out of my heart. Anyway …

Living single (wasn’t that the name of a sitcom?) has presented me with numerous opportunities to do things that not being single would. I have also had that comment from many married people, who don’t know shizz about being single in your 30’s or 40’s, that I’m lucky … or the people at weddings and funerals and some family members … you’ll make a good wife or you’ll find a good man … Please, my beloved people, rather shhh … it’s oh, so quiet.

Rant over.

What I really want to talk a little about is grief.

A part of last week’s session was about grieving what will never be. Mind blown.
Never thought about it.
However, it’s been a process that I have been going through.

Somewhere in my 30’s I had to go for a Lletz biopsy … and for the next few years I got to know my OBGYN kinda well. I saw him every 6 months for about 3 or 5 years. I can’t even remember. Test … results … I had to get three of the same in a row to know where we would be going from there … the last three was negative so YAY!!! No hysterectomy and no cancer. I say this lightly now … It was the most nerve wrecking thing I have ever been through. And alone. No matter who is around you, driving you, checking in on you … I don’t think I have ever felt as alone as I did going to that office, having a test done and then … the wait … results. Wondering what would happen if … Sometime then I had to start realising that the possibility of having children is already starting to sail away slowly … my ObGyn asked me about children at every appointment. He still does. I’m 44. I don’t think so. There’s some sadness somewhere there.

Grieve. Breathe. Live.

I never thought about the sadness as grief. It becomes less as years go on and nothing happens.
And yes, there has been questions around adoption or artificial insemination or frozen eggs or surrogacy (friends offered).
No, I made a decision a long time ago that I will not be bringing children into the world from womb or heart without and active and involved, loving father. My choice.
So let me … grieve … breathe … and live.
But also … have compassion to let me …

Grieve.

I didn’t imagine my wedding when I was a young girl. I think the first time I thought about what my possible wedding would look like was when I was in my 30’s. After being the bridesmaid countless times and therefore knowing exactly what I do not want and what I will not allow. I am a Christian. My wedding will be faith-based. Preferably intimate, holy and short. I waited long enough. That would be if the opportunity is afforded …
if / when
love – choice – reciprocity

Another grieving process … not sharing my youth with a ‘my person’ … I feel my body changing, my mind, my hopes, my dreams … make no mistake, I love who I am continuously becoming and growing into … how I think, how I can say NO, how I choose who I want / have / keep in my life and who not … still, in the stillness … I know. Traveling, playing, doing stuff … will we find each other? Is there someone out there? Or … dunno.

Grieve.

There are unsaid and unnamed things that we grieve for that some of us never thought of grieving for because being single is ‘sold’ as second / third / fourth best option. It’s not. It just is. Like being married just is. Each has its gifts. Each has its very specific road that is different for each person. And each and every person gets to their destination on their very own, very specifically crafted road.

So, sometimes I am sad for things that don’t even have a name.
Know that I have those moments.
I know you have yours.

To be continued …

Image by Arek Socha from Pixabay

3 thoughts on “The 4:44 PM: Single-(e)ish

  1. As a former missionary, I have often seen how God would tell total strangers to marry. Like my love and I, folks fall in love a year or two after marriage. God telling you whom to marry and when, that’s God joining folks together. The Christian simply faith based weddings are often self-ordained and may become high maintenance.

    We celebrated our 33rd on Sunday, July 5.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Congratulations on your wedding anniversary, WhimSickle Pete! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, lessons and blessings. Much more Jesus blessings on your anniversaries to come!

      Like

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