Today’s thoughts: Rules
Reading and discussing the book “Atomic Habits” by James Clear with a friend and finding interesting directions our discussions are taking me in.
We spoke a lot about rules today. Little rules that we make up for ourselves that we must adhere to or are flexible about depending on situations and / or growth. My friend sticks to her rules and finds it difficult to change it … at any time. Her self-reflection is very interesting to me. I learn.
My rules. I have found that with some rules that I have set for myself I have flexibility because there are factors that differ. When I talk about rules it’s the little private ones that nobody knows about. I’m sure you must know what I am referring to. How and where the toothbrush must be, which way the toilet paper should be, where should the laundry go, etc … then there are more secretive rules around how you communicate with who … you don’t necessarily tell anybody. How you move away from people who make you feel less about yourself or when you can’t / don’t want to / are not ready to forgive? Deep thinking involved.
I like caring for people. My nature. I don’t listen to when I do overkill. Then someone says something. I feel a tinge of shock/hurt, I leave. Made me think … I ignore the voice that says “You’ve done enough”, and just go on. Why? (I’m working on that) The problem is I get over the tiny bit of hurt because I overstayed my welcome by burying myself to deep in the caring and then I just think how I got there. Interesting exploring my own feelings and mind. All the why’s. Why do I not adhere to the first stop sign?
I also thought about my friendships. The rules I have built in. Invisible. With some. It needs to stop. After my conversation with a long time friend on Saturday, I was reminded about how I want conversations to feel. The content and things don’t have to / can’t be the same because situationally the friendships did not start the same, but the feeling of warmth and freedom and joy is what I want to feel when I have conversations with people I call friends, who call me friend too. It’s important … the trust, understanding, honour. The love, respect, faith, grounding. There’s a few conversational environments and tones I’d like to change. To be easier between me and some of my friends. Easy breathing. Things that need to be said to strengthen what is there. Level up. Choices.
This applies to family as well. Rules. What I say. When I say. How I say. With most there is unconditional love and acceptance even though we disagree. This is home. My people. I can be who I am there. As with some friends. With others I cannot. My words are scrutinised and faults and weapons are searched for to use against me – friends and family. Not home. Not love. But this is not a reflection of me. It is a reflection of the struggles faced by the individual. The insecurities that lies within. More rules than one can count. Lack of faith and trust. A sadness. Not a safe place. No peace, comfort, love, honour. Heart sore.
Rules. My nr 1 rule: I love to communicate with and connect to people. Everybody has different rules. I hope and pray that my people are my safe space and I am theirs.
These extra sharp-edged little rules are usually made out of protection. It must be exhausting if there’s too many. Breathe deeply.
I had to think long and hard who I want to be, what I want to stand for and how I want people to feel around me and when they leave my company. It pointed me towards my values, fundamental building blocks and boundaries.
You don’t have to know my rules to get to know me. I’ll tell you. Please afford me the same courtesy.
My rules of engagement is changing. I’m dropping some of them because they feed off my emotions and create unnecessary drama in my head. Internalised stress. I prefer to sleep peacefully.
Thank you.
KarisMatiek 