2020: 77

16 October

The grass will grow where you care for it. Your heart will love where you invest it in.

My thought for today.

Heart still bruised. The process to work through when you want to un-commit your heart to another is quite the journey. Deep breaths. How on earth am I supposed to do that? Don’t wanna.

The rejection doesn’t affect me. I knew what was going to happen. The truth had to be spoken. It was made more challenging because words followed. An already hard day for me felt so much harder because …

Sometimes I would just like a day for me. A day where I can nurture me, my hurts and my heart. Peace and quiet.

Thursday was hard because I lost someone I thought I was going to see soon to talk about plans for 2021. It was sudden. It felt brutal. I didn’t mourn the first uncle in July, the second uncle brought the mourning for both. I wanted to scream and cry and … well, yeah. Then the news about a job I didn’t get. I really am okay with it. Best candidate got the job. I’m going for my 4th year of unemployment. I’ve been blessed and I am grateful to have had support and little projects, volunteer work and the opportunity to care for people I love during this time. Today I am honestly close to desperate for a job, a move in my career that’s been standing still. My hiatus is over. The sabbatical has to end. So much has happened. So many opportunities I have had and allowed to fall (not slip) through my fingers – I was never ready. It was time to open wounds so they can heal properly. It’s been some level of everything. And then to try to have someone understand that I love them and I just needed to tell them because I have to tell the truth. I didn’t really want the waterfall of words between us. I understand why it happened though, part of why there’s love. Now I feel like I need to distance myself for both our sakes. So much I’m going to miss. Deep breaths. Love. Hard. Break.

I invested so much time in thinking of new solutions and processes and plans for progress. I invested so much time in rewriting my curriculum vitae, writing a motivational letter and preparing for my interview. I invested so much time in loving. To have it all come crashing down in one day. It felt like that for a moment. Not anymore. The learning curve is tremendous. So much love in it and positivity that surrounds me.

Love. Lives. Here.
In. My. Heart.
Tomorrow. Try. Again.

Image by pasja1000 from Pixabay

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s