02 / 12 / 2020
10 x 3 = 30 = 5 x 6
I miss having a full programme of things that I love to do for work. Yes, I have had many opportunities to work on various projects over the past 3 years. Some work, some volunteer tasks. I enjoyed most of it. Some I really disliked. Some found me in an intense space that had me stare at my screen and do the bare minimum or less. It’s been three rough years. Mourning. That’s what it feels like. Mourning a life that was, but moving into what’s coming and it’s going to be better and more. Also mourning who I was, acknowledging the change that has happened and rising again. My thoughts have changed around work, life, love, boundaries, friends, worth, value, … the list goes on.
I have fewer friends. Lost a few along the way. Gained a few special people. Family life has changed. Expectations. Attitudes. Ways of communication. Kids have grown up. I’ve grieved and rejoiced things I hoped for and things I’ve gained. I’ve done a lot of thinking. Maybe too much. I remain aware of my body changing. What I can do and what I can’t do. What I would’ve wanted to do and now have to grieve.
Grief is a huge part of life. It’s not only applicable when someone / something dies. Also when abilities die. When you can’t do what you’ve wanted to do anymore. Some things have to be grieved because age. Lots of things have to be celebrated because age. Don’t stop the joy, the privilege of aging.
I’m looking forward to 2021. New year, new change of gear. Decisions, opportunities, more change. But first, let me live 2020 until it’s last day. Grieve whom I have lost in the madness of Covid 19, sudden deaths, knowledge and experience and lives with memories lost and gone forever. My heart still feels heavy. The past few days have been extra … heavy on the heart. And sometimes, late at night, when I’m on my knees I struggle to breathe … somewhere deep inside the cries are muffled and they want to jump out, but so many tears have been shed this year … do I have more? I can’t even remember all the condolences I have sent out … my family, your family, my friends, your friends, … hearts are sore, hearts are broken. Breathe. Breathe deeply. It sounds elementary because it is … it’s fundamental.
Be gracious to yourself.
You are loved.
December is filled with reflection. It’s interesting. I haven’t used this month to reflect for a long time … it usually happens in the first week of January. I feel the need to do it now. Go through all I can remember of the year 2020 and align the decisions I’ve come to with the peace of 2021. There’s a yearning in my heart that was highlighted this year. Flames have been ignited and some reignited. Calls that I’ve been hearing because I haven’t been adhering. The discovery that my path was the right one for me; that I allowed distraction for a long time because of people’s opinions of my life. But also, my lack of boundaries had me over-invest, losing myself in the tasks at hand. Who am I? Where am I? Am I using my talents? What are my talents? Where am I going? What am I doing? Who have I disappointed? Can I somehow rebuild burnt bridges?
Look at the flowers. Intricate, beautiful part of creation. Such magnificent detail.
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.