What was your expectation when I told you I love you? You said you love me too, but … not the same and there’s someone else you chose. My life had to go on. My life has to go on. Was I supposed to wait for it to change? What was I supposed to hope for? Pray for? Wait for? Is it a fair expectation? And then there’s the passive aggressive projection of your desire … I think I was always clear. I think you need to understand that I was hurt, I am still, that I already cried and that I am tired of crying and that I have accepted your choice and that I also had to make choice when I felt your choice approaching.
Confession: I did want it to sting a little. I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry. It’s not my style. I am tired and empty and needed to be surrounded with love and hugs and comfort and safety and even though I felt it with you for a little while, your choice changed that.
Then there was the you who never had the courage to tell me how you felt and who now, after decades, felt the need to tell me. What am I supposed to do with it now? Because it can’t.
It’s complicated. I want you to be the best at what and who you chose to be.
Lock and key.
I also didn’t have the courage then … I sent you away, you didn’t fight for me. It’s too late now. Isn’t it?
Choice. I’m not an option.
We have to adult.
You have work to do, this one is not mine.
I learnt a lesson from this and somehow I cannot seem to communicate this to my friends adequately. So many times I have not spoken my true feelings in the past because the expectation of judgement and the fact that I should be stronger than that. I’ve also realised that for years being the eldest has left me pretending to be tough when I should have just shown me, the real strong me, the honest strong me, the vulnerable and emotional strong me … pretence has left me weak. Now I have to speak and show me, because if I don’t the repercussions leave me empty. Are you listening, friend? I don’t know how.
I am strong. My vulnerability is also a part of my strength. My too emotional was always a strength.
The blossoming of realisation is liberating.
This one was about you … and me … and us. All of us.
Please don’t leave me guessing. Please don’t be passive aggressive. Just tell me. In the shortest, honest way while keeping our integrity and respect for each other in tact. I’m choosing to be happy, to breathe deeply, to be at peace, to love … I choose that for you too. We don’t have to be in each other’s lives or we can with a direct line of goodness, peace and respect.
I want to be able to breathe deeply when I see you, when you see me, when I’m with you, when you’re with me. I want to know that whatever we discussed and decided we are peace, with ourselves and each other.
We still have much to talk about.
But for now …
Live. Laugh. Love.