I told a friend a story today. It came out jumbled and while I was speaking I was wondering what she was hearing. I was also listening to myself and how I was telling the story. Dissecting the words that came out of my mouth while I was speaking them and unable to stop them at the same time. I have many great ideas that I have never acted upon or done something about. Why? Why do I not believe in myself enough to do something about it? Imposter syndrome? I do sometimes feel like I am not who you think I am. And then other times I am fully in my element … or rather all my elements!!! It’s like an entire fiesta happening at the same time living out all my potential and radiating. It’s been a while.
I’m also thinking about the past few days. What have I really accomplished? It feels a little too empty. But it was full … of … ??? Interesting. I have a few things to do tomorrow. People I have to call. Boxes I need to tick.
My calendar shows that your birthday is almost. I have many thoughts about you. All kinds of directions. I wonder if I will have the opportunity to speak them. I’d rather say them to your face than speak about it to a … well, anybody. Many questions.
I has a first time coffee with a friend today. It was lovely. We talked. We should do it more often. I didn’t know what to expect and I knew what to expect. Such a comforting feeling. I hope we do it again. Soonish.
I also had a long video call with another friend. A young’en. It was delightful. It stopped short of 3 hours when I told said I’m old and I need sleep and to do the things that I need to do before I sleep.
Friendships are investments. I’ve also learnt that everybody doesn’t expect the same things from a friendship. Some friendships break because little things are not communicated or addressed. If it’s important, say something. That’s the plan. I’m still working on the words .. or rather the message I would like to share.
Yesterday I told a friend that I think I made a mistake. A big one. And the space does not feel safe anymore. A decision I made without thinking of me. Rather first thinking of the other person and what I felt they needed. It helped them, it hurt me. There was another decision that I made in another situation that helped and hurt us both. Nobody wants to talk about it. I do. It’s time.
Today feels busy. It wasn’t really. It’s just … thoughts.