Today I disagreed (internally) with something someone did, said, decided … I didn’t feel like saying what I thought because I had before and clearly it wasn’t taken into consideration. And then there’s the tone …
There are things that was part of my growing up that makes me feel unsafe when it happens. I find it fascinating. It’s also quite unnerving. I feel unsafe when it’s triggered. And then I go quiet.
I had a conversation with someone last night. A reminder of arms I felt safe in at some point in time. It also reminded me of someone else I feel safe with because I am surrounded by attention and madness and love and care and it looks like chaos, a chaos that I understand and connect with intrinsically – inexplicably. Again, temporary / momentary.
Today feels like one huge twilight zone. Waves of haze. Purple haze. Clouding my sight and mind. Making me focus on my feeling. Sometimes it’s lovely. Today wasn’t pleasant. I miss people. I miss that safety. A sense of a different type of security. Is it so bad to want to just be in a place with person where I feel safe? Where my hearts, thoughts and words are safe. Even if it is disagreed with. Safe. Just safe. No drama. Conversation. Questions. Challenges. Disagreement. Safe. Love. Sharing. Joy. Silence. Safe. Deep breaths. Sighs. Laughter. Smiles. Gazes. Connect. Safe.
I had to explain to a little girl this week why we need to rather leave a space when it got too dark to see properly. My heart sank. Somewhere there was sadness, a little fear and the wondering of what it would feel like to live in a place where I didn’t need to look over my shoulder and look out for my sisters and for children and teach kids about dangerous areas where they are not safe.
Can you hear me sigh?
Do you know what it’s filled with?
Hormones. Emotions. Reality.
A safe space.
Do I really know what it means?
Can I even imagine it?