45/2021/40: Be quiet.

In the silence my thoughts bubble up like water from a fountain. Continuous. Never-ending. Not always good or interesting. Somewhere else in my brain I wonder where all these thoughts come from and why they decide to bubble up today? Of all days? And I really do want to tell my brain to be quiet! And then I do … and there’s quiet … for a little while.

There’s a voice in my head that keeps telling me that I have been filling my head with nothing. Nothing being the equivalent of too little of the things that make me come alive. Interesting thought that. I have been lacking in this area for the past year or two.

I have to decide what to do for my birthday. It’s Covid. Wave 3. Someone I know was hospitalised tonight. A few others have been in contact with a Covid positive person … quarantine. Another in quarantine is not feeling at their best. I still haven’t received my contract. I have a conversation mulling in my head. I have a question for someone about ignoring or avoiding. I wonder how I’m going to do this? I wonder why I haven’t done the things on my checklist. I wonder why I haven’t …

I don’t like planning gatherings for my birthday. I planned one in 2012 and of the people I invited and who confirmed only about half showed up. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that defeated in my life. Because the food … the cooking and baking that went into the preparation. Last party I planned. Said I won’t do it again. I remember one of the excuses – I was deeply disappointed by the level of lame excuse by a good friend and I also remember another friend who showed up and loved all the food and took barakat.
I don’t like parties for me. I don’t like big gatherings. I do my best relationships in a one-on-one setting … or really small groups. Interesting … I’m viewed as an extrovert by some.

Are you avoiding me or ignoring me? Either way, have courage and just tell me. It’s disappointing. I expected better. You are better.
When will I hear from them? There’s only a few days left … Will send an email tomorrow.
I haven’t finished my write ups and admin and transcripts and applications yet … why not? My days feel full and I’m tired at the end of each. Somewhere something is calling for space and time to breathe and look up and see and feel and dance again.
There’s a level of disappointment in me.
Wish you were here … to see … to talk … to hug … to exhale …
Hurt. Disappointed. Ingratitude. The love of money makes one ugly. Each of us have our own vibration … vibe … does mine attract people … make people feel comfortable … encourage connection?

Just wondering …

Be quiet … silence … shhh … shhh …

What’s the chance?

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