Do you countdown the days to your birthday? I don’t really. Never used to. Lockdown had me do it in 2020 because I decided to blog daily for the 44 days before my birthday. And here I am … doing it again. Why? No idea. Probably for my own thoughts to be somewhere for reflection. Looking back on the things that went through my mind in the days before. Sometimes, though, the thoughts are written so cryptic I don’t think future me would have any idea what I am referring to. Oi!
My birthday is almost. I think you can guess how old I will be. I’m not sensitive about my age. In fact, I am enjoying the process. There are a few things I am still working on / struggling with, however for the most part I am loving it. The challenging parts … no relationship – would have loved to have one by now – and no kids – I am told that I am approximately in my last chance … I’ve been grieving this, something that I have to let go intentionally because I’d prefer to to have a child with a present father and partner / husband. Decision. Choice.
In my adult life, this year will be my fifth consecutive unemployed birthday. I am still flabbergasted. Blessed. Grateful. Almost desperate. Hurt. Loved. Cared for. Fascinated. Many things and more … Wowed. Not sure how I survived and how I am surviving … the one thing I learnt is that I have an ego and I have to handle it. I also have to say that I would never have been able to do it without my family and a close group of friends. Never ever. And despite what my social media accounts tell you … it’s been dark and deep and gut-wrenching for the obvious reasons and the not so obvious reasons. One of the questions that some people have asked me during this time is … ‘How are you surviving?’ I was never really sure what to say coz the question usually refers to finances, but it is so much more.
I have learnt to live on very little, with very little and still I had so much more. Gratitude has been the operating word. I’m not sure what the lesson and blessing of the season was or is or will be. I have learnt a lot. I have been challenged a lot. I have cried whole lot. I have grown a lot. I have had to dig deep. I have had to be quiet. I have had to hear truths about me I didn’t know or didn’t want to know. I’ve had to handle things and me and my thoughts. I’ve had to put boundaries in place for myself and for others. Many things … and it continues …
It’s almost my birthday. Only a few more sleeps. I never know how to feel. Especially during this time … unemployed during a pandemic in a lockdown. An extraordinary time.
The puzzle I am has never felt this chaotic. I am missing pieces. It’s a hard one.
I am also excited about my birthday. Because it’s my birthday and I get to spend it with people I love and how I’d like to.
I was born on a Sunday around afternoon tea time. This year my birthday will again be on a Sunday. I’m having cake at around afternoon tea time. Loving the idea. With cheesecake and hummingbird cake. I am looking forward to it.
A smile. A sigh. And a heartsmile.
Love lives here.