20211203: overwhelming overwhelmedness

I used the wrong word. It’s more like, I used the wrong word to replace wronger words. And now I have to reap what I’ve sown. More words. More explanations. More unnecessary.

There are things that I have forgotten. Things not to do, not to say, to keep my face straight. But why? To keep people believing that everything is going okay and that all is smooth and just absolutely lovely because it went okay? Okay is not the standard. Okay is what I have been settling for over the past few months. I am underwhelmed with myself more than anybody or anything else. This is not who I am or want to be or who I ever was. I am just so tired. I want things to be and go right. Well … it’s not. And apparently I’m going to have to put up some kind of fight, albeit a quiet one. It will be realised later. Now is not the time. Apparently. There needs to be some coddling and some protection and the belief that, well, yeah.

I almost bought into it. And then overwhelmed happened.

Did you hear what I said? Or did you hear what you wanted to hear? Do you only listen for certain clues? Do I? How did all the things just run past me? How did I not pick up on it.

All of it. It happened. Right past me. Feels like I’m only getting a handle on this now. Fascinating. I’ve been out of this game for a while. And yes … it’s a game. Not for me. But the rules of engagement feels like it .

Sigh.

I’m not overwhelmed. I’m underwhelmed. Not whelmed either.

Life lessons. Reminders. Filing cabinets needed to be opened again. Files dusted off. Take out what you were treasuring somewhere. It is needed. You are valued and valuable. You know your worth. You know what you know. You know where you are. Figure out where you are going. You lost it somewhere. It’s okay to have felt a little lost. It’s okay to still feel a little lost. There’s a light catching you eye in front of you. It’s drawing you. Keep your eyes on the prize. You’ll get there. Sooner than you think.

Know it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s