i didn’t want to monday today. lethargic. tired. sleepy. no vigour. over it. went to the office. did some work. bleh.
something has to change. it is going to. but first i need a holiday. i’m always amazed when i say that. i was unemployed for 4 years. i’ve been working since july 2021. month 6 this is. i need a holiday. NEED. wow. can’t believe i’m saying that.
what i have realised the past few weeks is that whatever has been happening during the pandemic is slowly catching up in the terms of tired, fatigue, sadness … i’m emotional, i cry often for seemingly no reason. i think about the things i’ve done and the people i’ve been there for. the lack of compassion and gratitude of some. the sadness in many eyes. the heartbreak that is so prevalent. the loss that is so evident. it breaks my heart. i feel like i’m sad all the time even in the happiest of moments, even when celebrating someone’s wins … even in those moments i am sad … i hate this feeling that i am carrying with me … and i’m not sure i’m going to shake it soon.
i have so much to be grateful for. there’s so much i am grateful for. today i just want to sit and be sad though. can i? is it okay? it is. take the moment. cry. breathe. be. feel everything. today. but that too i have squashed.
breathe in breathe out. breathe in deeply. breathe out slowly. think nothing. listen to the breathing. listen. listen. listen.
i miss the hug that will dissolve everything, all of this, a place of rest.
today feels hard.
my heart feels too soft.
i need to feel love. i need to feel loved. feel. why am i not feeling it? i know i am surrounded with love and that i am loved. i know. i want to feel it differently. i want to touch it. i want it to touch me … where i can feel it. i want to be overwhelmed by love … a soft, lovely, intentional, consistent love. i want to know it. i want it to permeate my mind, my heart, my soul, my life …
why? coz i feel life i have given all i have and my cup needs to be filled.
i danced too little. i sang to little. i laughed too little. i was sad too much. i am feeling a lot empty. i want to rest and have love enfold me in it’s everloving everpresent way of just being there through all.
i know i’m not alone. i know i have much to be grateful for. i know … still, i’m tired.
rest. breathe. love.
my cup will be filled again. it will overflow again. i will laugh again … the way i want to.