2020: 51

11 November

17 + 17 + 17 = 51
50 sleeps until New Year’s eve … the day before 2021 … and the one thing we know for sure is that Covid 19 will still be around.

I went for a walk with a friend today. It wasn’t a long walk. I want to start somewhere. Th sky was so blue – I didn’t look up until he mentioned it. I was wondering what was keeping my brain so busy … I’m still wondering. Really. Maybe it’s the wondering.

Almost everybody I know has been going through the hardest year of their lives. Are we going to have a chance to debrief at some point in future? Reconnect with each other, intentionally. Has their been thoughts of making up with friends and / or family you realised you missed and how what happened between you all is nothing when thinking about this past year?

I realised that I miss having a job where I can apply my knowledge and talents and also learn and develop. Part of my purpose to grow and develop myself and others and with others. A calling that I hear every single time I looked at the students I assisted, spoke to, organised something for. I miss the vibrancy of students around me, their ideas and conversations, questions and philosophies. I miss how I contributed to their experiences with some of the things I did in their programmes.

I miss making music. Singing, playing piano and playing clarinet. Being part of a choir or and orchestra, playing the piano in quiet solitude … love lives here.

I miss dancing and all its people and my fitness level that accompanied it. Lol! I miss partner dancing and getting to know new people on the dance floor or around it. I’ve met some really amazing people in all the dances I’ve been involved in. Salsa, jazz, belly dancing, ballet … I’ve made friends and loved and laughed and of course danced!

I miss loving and being loved.
Choosing and being chosen. Intentionally.

I miss friendship. The way it was. It will never be the same.
I’ve lost some. I’ve left some. I’ve gained some.
I’ve changed.

I miss my family. With all the quirks and eccentricities and care. I wish we could’ve opted to be better in the friendship / relationship department … some of us. I wish I could draw them closer to tell them I miss them and want them in my life. I don’t blame them or judge them or … I just want peace and connection.

We get older and we only get so many chances.
Death knocked on so many doors this year.


Image by Richard Mcall from Pixabay

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