As much as I have been thinking, I haven’t been writing. I’ve been having hard conversations with friends and with myself … mostly about myself. Advice is an interesting thing. It also seems that some of the things that I’ve been saying about myself is not being heard … or doesn’t want to be heard.
A few weeks ago a friend told me that I am prone to give advice to people. The conversation was a crucial one in my opinion … the approach felt too casual for what was said and how it was said and it caused many thoughts and questions inside my head, heart, being. I agree … I have a tendency to give advice. For years probably unsolicited some to most times, but life, maturing, growth … it’s changed, much has changed, and at present the want to talk to most people and engage has disappeared … this pandemic and lockdown has really taught me valuable lessons and brought forward things that I should reflect upon especially bringing in line where my life is going, how I am going there, self-worth, value, faith, belief, who I am going where with, who wants me there, who doesn’t, who really listens, who cares, who gives advice, who doesn’t, who thinks they cannot or shouldn’t, who knows me, who thinks they know me, who carries me through … who supports and encourages and loves …
There’s no expectation. We have been and all are still going through a pandemic and lockdowns are continuing. Life has placed us all under extraordinary pressure. Priorities has surfaced we never thought would need half a thought.
There’s only compassion.
But do I have compassion for myself? My compassion has always been focussed on other people … helping, being there, supporting, advising, encouraging. Even amidst this storm. Why is this? What is about me that does not allow me to look inward? Why do I not feel comfortable with showing compassion to myself? Grace … ?
Recently I have found myself to have an aversion to negativity. Where I would usually listen and encourage and support from a space and place of love and acceptance, now I just don’t want to. I don’t have the capacity, I feel empty and devoid of the fountain of laughter and joy that always made me want to envelope someone with the laughter I always felt bubbling up somewhere inside. Empty. It’s hard. It’s like I don’t know what happened to it. Tired?
This past Saturday I met up with a lovely friend whom I haven’t seen in ages. She said she missed my laughter. I miss it too. I miss dancing salsa too … it was always one of the things that would absolutely fuel the fountain of laughter and happiness. Music too … but I started practicing and overdid things a little bit … now I have inflammation in both arms because I started practicing piano like an Olympic athlete after not really playing for 20 years. Oi! Makes me smile though. It’s been a while … It was lovely to meet up and to meet a new person. Grateful.
Time. Where did it go? Somehow the one thing I do miss in this time is something that I’ve never really had. Someone who is there for me. Every day, every night. Someone who wakes up in the morning and chooses me. The longing for a hug where I feel safe has become an overwhelming call. Someone I can just talk to and be silent with. Comfortable and safe. Have I missed my chance? Has the lack of expressing my true feelings stopped me from being with that person? (probably a blog for another day in the distant future … not ready)
I need to dance.